11:59pm, it is really the end of my very long day.
Shall post about Orientation another time. Right now I just don’t have the right emotions or energy for such a post.
“I’m not being a pushover when you (generic) do things that upset me but I let them go, when you make me feel betrayed but I don’t confront you, when your actions and words are inconsistent but I remind myself you’re only human. My silence is me fighting for you. Because protecting you, your peace of mind, your feelings, your pride, are more important than me standing up for myself.”
-Ying
Reading that was the most inappropriate coincidence ever. Now I can’t sleep because I’m too busy looking for answers. Stolen glances that I couldn’t help. Just made me realised how after all this time, I am not better. And now I ask myself if you are still someone I want to protect, someone I want to shield from harm, someone I would fight for.
To be honest, I just don’t want to think about this anymore. I can’t help myself (Would you blame me for that?) I don’t think I possess what it takes to hurt you as well and if I had wanted to stand for myself, I should had done so a long time ago. I don’t want to fight anymore I’m exhausted. And whatever energy I have left to cope with this has been sapped about by the ghouls of this fresh distant memory. You had been someone so important. Very. And why wouldn’t you be? You are beautiful and ever so charming and I daresay I painted you a shade of perfect with my naive imagination (another prize you stole) And why wouldn’t I? You probably still are. Despite your corrupt personality and lack of morals, some part of me still think so. Maybe it’s the first impression effect, and my first impression of you was flawless.
You were one of the reasons I fought but are you? Even now?
I can’t decipher what you mean to me, right now.
In a parallel universe, what would I do? If there is another me somewhere, would she fight for you? Despite all that you had done? After she realised she is honestly never gonna be pieced back in a proper manner, or any manner. Maybe she would be able to hate you, a privilege that I am not entitled to in this place. Maybe she would be stronger than me, and she can simply walk away. Maybe she would be able to look at you in the eyes and smile because she knows she is better.
Alternate Raey from another universe, show me a sign.
Tell me what to do. You are me after all, so how complicated can this be?
If I tear through the streets of my thoughts tonight looking for you demanding answers, please don’t reply me. My curiosity is slowly killing me and I want to know so badly what you are thinking but if you see me running, please turn the other way. When I turn corners, don’t let me see you (your presence will make every breath painful) When I run out of stamina and collapse at a corner don’t give in (your silence made every heartbeat ache) Just do what you always do: glance at me looking like you have something significant to say then turn away in that casual manner. That casual manner which you had always behaved with every smile (fake or real) with every word (truth or fabrications) with every motive (to break me or to break me)
The amount of courage I have to face you is the number of fucks you give about me.
I don’t have any of the latter anymore; you never had any in the first place.
“& you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.
(now that I’m sittin’ here thinking it through,
I’ve never been anywhere cold as you.)”
